Silencing the voices in my head

Life feels so weird to me right now.

I mean, I guess it’s been weird for a while… but right now in particular, I feel a little lost. I imagine myself as an astronaut, floating out in space all alone. No gravity, no sense of direction, no anything… just me, eerily suspended in a dark, vast nothingness, drifting aimlessly.

Damn. That shit sounds bleak. I promise I’m not depressed.

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Loneliness, lies, & LOVE

I don’t know what to write next.

I’ve written like ten different sentences and I just keep deleting them. Nothing feels right.

I have a long list on my phone of “blog post ideas.” I add to it constantly; I hear a quote, or have a thought, and my mind starts spinning a web of ideas and connections and what *I* want to say about that topic, so I quickly jot it down before I forget. I have a lot to say.

But this week, it all seems pointless. Forced. Empty.

So I’m just gonna type, with no plan at all, and just see where it goes…

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Some thoughts on grief.

This is not a popular opinion, but I love grief.

I know that sounds a little crazy. And trust me, it’s taken a while for me to get to this point. No one experiences pain and immediately thinks, “Oh good! I’m so glad this is happening!” I’m not that insane.

We normally equate grief with death. I hear “grief” and I picture a widow at her husband’s funeral, dressed in a tasteful black dress and crying quietly, still in shock. She is devastated… he is gone and life doesn’t make sense now. What is she supposed to do? How is she supposed to live in this world without him, ALONE? It isn’t fair; this wasn’t her choice… It’s heartbreaking.

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Don’t Worry, Be Happy

I wonder if I will ever reach an upper echelon of creativity where my brain thinks beyond song lyrics and movie quotes… One can hope.

I’m starting to realize that some of you are worried about me. And that is totally understandable… I’m walking a fine line of being vulnerable yet slightly vague. So for those of you who don’t know me very well or don’t know my whole story yet, you are left with questions, trying to fill in the blanks. That is a pretty normal human response; we are curious beings.

So I just want to say, for the record, I AM FINE. Really!

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All at once everything looks different

Photo by Mohammad Metri on Unsplash

In spite of all the small-child-induced noise in my house, I frequently have music on in the background. Usually upbeat, dance/pop type music because it helps me feel motivated to do all.the.things and it’s hard to be in a bad mood when you feel like dancing.

(Don’t worry, I also have a “sad” playlist. Life isn’t always sunshine & rainbows & dancing, sometimes a girl needs to have a good cry.)

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Snakes… Why’d it have to be snakes?

Just to be clear… I hate snakes.

I am appalled that I am even writing about this, and that I spent a bunch of time researching snakes and looking at pictures of snakes… *shudder* The things we do for art.

Since I have subjected myself to this ghastly topic, I now must force you to endure it as well. Although I’ll admit, I have gained a bit more of an appreciation for snakes now. (Which I will promptly forget the SECOND I see one slithering anywhere. GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!)

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I think I might want to be famous.

I’ve been thinking about fame recently. Fame, celebrity, influence, significance… this is a theme that keeps popping back up in various forms. And like most things I think about, I have a lot to say about it (sorry not sorry). I can’t hash it ALL out in one post, so you’ll have to stay tuned.

But in this post, I need to get personal. So first, an Autumn origin story…

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Acceptance of the Unacceptable

I woke up with anxiety today. The kind that makes your heart feel like it’s twice it’s size and beating so hard that I wonder if it’s just going to burst.

I close my eyes and take deep breaths but all that accomplishes is even MORE awareness of my body’s current state of panic, which sends my mind spinning…

Why am I feeling this way?

Why did I wake up like this?

What was I dreaming?

WHAT IS WRONG??

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Give it to me!

Do you remember Veruca Salt? In case you forget, or grew up in a cave or something, she is the nasty little girl from “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” who is excessively spoiled and has no patience. Her character arc climaxes with a song called, “I Want It Now!”

I feel a little like Veruca Salt these days.

I WANT IT NOW.

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Am I good enough?

Okay.

Fine.

I’ll write.

I feel like I am going to explode. Literally, like I have so much inside that needs to come out that I have to DO something because if I don’t get it OUT, I am going to collapse into myself and create some kind of black hole that consumes everything that comes near. I try distracting myself… Do the dishes! The laundry! Is there anything happening on Facebook? Twitter? Hey, how is this friend doing today…? I better text them to say hi and check in! (Sorry, friends, I promise I really do care.)

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