Becoming

Oh hey. How are ya?!

I’m sitting down to write this REAL QUICK just cause I feel like it. And in case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been feeling like it for a few months now. *shrug*

At first, I was like, “OH NO MY BLOG I’M FAILING I NEED TO WRITE!”

Then I was like, “Eff it, it’s summer, I don’t care.”

And THEN, “Do I still want to even do that? I think so…? It’ll happen when it wants to happen I guess…”

***

I’m super, super chill now you guys.

The really crazy thing is that I never even realized how high-strung I was before. That was just… normal. The stress. The anxiety. The PRESSURE. Holy shit the pressure.

Be perfect. At everything. At all times.

I am so SO happy to be embracing failure. Accepting defeat. Letting shit go. It’s insanely liberating and there’s no way in hell that I’m going back to my old way of life. Hard pass. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

I’ve changed A LOT.

The months keep on going by and I keep healing and growing and discovering new interests and new passions and new parts of myself that I buried away years ago, DECADES in some cases.

It’s as if I was a dim light that is now getting turned up, brighter and brighter. And the brighter I get, the clearer I can see, which lights me up even more. I feel like I’m glowing.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s pretty fantastic.

***

This isn’t to say that life is all rainbows and unicorns. Shit still happens. But my perspective has shifted so drastically that bad moods just don’t last very long. Those old familiar friends, stress, anxiety, fear… they still like to visit from time to time but all they want to do is lie to me and try to pull me down to their level. I thank them for their concern and then kindly tell them that I have other plans for my day.

Like hanging out with joy, peace, and freedom. They are WAY MORE FUN. And don’t even get me started on gratitude!!

It’s important to note though, that it has taken me more than a year of serious, extremely focused self-development to reach this point. I do not want to make it sound easy, or for anyone to EVER feel ashamed that they aren’t there yet. I spent my first 36 years struggling with stress and fear and shame and blame… I know the power they can hold.

I’m here writing about it now because I have begun to experience freedom from those heavy chains, and I strongly feel that part of my mission here on planet Earth is to help others experience the same. If I can do it, so can you.

I truly believe that. Maybe someday you’ll hear my whole story and you’ll believe it too. *wink*

***

There are some exciting things on the horizon for me. The last few months have been a time of exponential growth, and I don’t think it’s stopping any time soon. I’m genuinely curious to see who this woman is that I am becoming.

Right now, I’m just giving her all the space she needs to evolve.

It has felt rather odd, this stage that I’m in. And I think that’s why I haven’t been writing publicly very much, because I’m not even sure what to say.

I’m in what is called the “liminal space.” In between what was, and what is to come. I’m no longer who I used to be, but I’m not yet who I’m becoming. I’m in transition.

***

There was a day recently when I was feeling so OFF… it was just an odd day; everything was going wrong and it all felt like a disaster. Yet at the same time, the stress that would’ve overtaken me in the past just wasn’t there. So instead of anxiety, I just felt weird. Confused. Like nothing made sense. WTF, Tuesday??

My 12-year-old got home from school and could tell something was up. He seems to be a bit of an intuitive empath like me… we’ve always had a strong emotional bond. I fumbled around with my words, trying to explain my “weird” day and how I just feel strange right now. And his response was so spot on and so insightful that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it…

He very simply, very confidently said, “You’re in your cocoon.”

Damn. That hit me.

No longer a caterpillar, not yet a butterfly.

(Yes, I know I’m a lucky mom to have such an awesome kid.)

***

Do you know what goes on inside a cocoon? It’s pretty fascinating, but I’ll save you the long, drawn out science lesson this time (see my post on snakes). The caterpillar essentially digests itself in order to break its body completely down so it can grow into something entirely different.

Yeah. Sounds about right.

The people who know me from my past probably aren’t going to recognize the me that emerges. And I imagine that the people who have yet to know me may have a hard time imagining who I was before.

Yet I am both. I am all of it.

The part that I find comforting and inspiring though, is that the caterpillar was always meant to be a butterfly. THAT is it’s true form… the caterpillar and the cocoon are just stages along the way.

(Btw, in case any of you are science-y nerds, yes, I know it’s actually called a chrysalis. Only moth caterpillars spin cocoons.)

***

SO, friends… if you ever have a day where you feel like a giant pile of goo and all you want to do is wrap up in blankets and watch Netflix and sleep, tell yourself that you’re in your cocoon and everything is going to be okay.

You are becoming.

BUT. Also remember that you aren’t meant to stay there. Rest up… grow your wings. But don’t you dare miss out on the chance to use them. You were meant to fly.

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