The joy of helping vs. the terror of success

Overthinking has always been a major roadblock for me. I am in my head a lot, thinking about all the scenarios… dreaming and scheming and planning… I get stuck in there, in a perpetual state of preparation.

I’m working on becoming a DOER.

Just do the damn thing, Autumn.

***

I haven’t posted in over a month. And I really hate that. I made a goal of posting at least once a week, and then summer happened. I seriously overestimated my ability to get things done with four kids at home all summer.

Such is the life of an optimist.

But I’ve also been a bit stuck. I have started several posts and just can’t seem to finish them. I sit here, trying to craft my words… thinking about the message I am trying to convey, and the best way to say it. I’ve edited one paragraph of one blog post at least five times. And I still don’t like it.

So I give up, watch an episode of Queer Eye, and go to bed.

***

This summer has been all about self-care for me (which is what the aforementioned blog post is about). One thing I have committed to doing for myself is learning. I am a perpetual learner.

I read books. Listen to podcasts. Devour all the content I find on Instagram. Watch webinars and take free courses about whatever interests me. I am a sponge right now and I’m not sure that it’s going to slow down any time soon (or ever).

I CANNOT GET ENOUGH.

The world of coaching, self-healing, self-improvement… it sets me on FIRE.

***

As I sat on my couch 30 minutes ago, catching up on all the emails from therapists and coaches I have subscribed to, my heart just started POUNDING. The vulnerability of others always brings mine to the surface too. I needed to write… and something specific popped into my head that I felt led to share. And I have no idea why.

But here I am, trying not to overthink it. Just typing frantically, before I lose my edge.

Inspiration mixed with passion and a dash of anxiety… trying to override my brain that says, “What are you thinking? Why are you writing this?”

Shut up, brain!

***

I watched a webinar a few days ago and the instructor had us do an exercise. We were told to think of a time in our lives when we felt the most ourselves… in our element… in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. Thriving in the flow of our purpose.

The image that popped into my head was very clear and came VERY suddenly. She had us be in that space and time, using all our senses, feeling that moment in our bodies.

The next step was to write about it. For 5 minutes, without stopping, without thinking, just being in that place and describing how it felt.

I barely even remember writing what I wrote. It just came out. As if I was in a trance, a meditative state where I was deeply connected to the part of me that KNEW what I was meant to do.

And to be very honest, it scares the shit out of me to share all this.

But I can’t ignore it now… sitting on the couch, heart beating out of my chest, the little voice inside me screaming, “POST IT.” That voice of intuition rules my world now. Ignoring her is self-abandonment and I don’t do that anymore.

And I’ve learned that when I’m scared to do something, that’s when I know I’m headed in the right direction.

***

So, here’s what I wrote. I’m not going to tell you the backstory of the exact situation that came to mind, because that doesn’t actually matter. That was MY moment.

And I still have no idea why I feel led to share this because it feels way too damn personal. There’s a part of me that thinks, “Wait, no! What will they think? How does it make me look? How does it make me sound? What if they take it wrong?”

Whatever, man.

Overcoming fear is kind of my zone right now. That, and being true to ME no matter what anyone else thinks about it.

My daily affirmation I wrote this morning was, “I am a bad ass.” So. I’m just gonna own it.

***

I was a success.
And in that success I felt alive.
Empowered.

I was helping others.
Making a difference.
And I was GOOD at it.

I was meant to do that.
No matter what anyone said.
No matter the critics & naysayers.

That was MY zone.
I belonged there.

I felt joy.
I saw hope.
I smelled success.
I heard praise.
I tasted financial peace.

I earned it.
And I will do it again.

I am built to help.
And in my helping, everyone thrives.

***

The themes I pulled out were “success” and “help”. I wrote those words the most, 3 times each.

And that is pretty much the most enneagram 2w3 thing EVER.

I do struggle with self-doubt, wondering where my path is leading me. Do I really want to be a coach? Do I really want to write? Some days the answers are more clear than others.

But I am learning that when I get REAL honest with myself, when I pay attention to my passion NOW and what has been deep inside me my whole life, the same things always come out.

And it’s terrifying, y’all.

(I say y’all sometimes now, btw. My soul belongs in Texas and that’s that.)

***

Do you have something inside of you that you WANT more than anything, that also scares the shit out of you?? Don’t think too hard about it, just blurt it out… No matter how big or small, I’d love to hear it!

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