Life feels so weird to me right now.
I mean, I guess it’s been weird for a while… but right now in particular, I feel a little lost. I imagine myself as an astronaut, floating out in space all alone. No gravity, no sense of direction, no anything… just me, eerily suspended in a dark, vast nothingness, drifting aimlessly.
Damn. That shit sounds bleak. I promise I’m not depressed.
My most frequently used emoji (and I am an avid emoji user, so this is saying a lot) is the shrug girl. I AM the shrug girl. *shrug* I also say, “We’ll see!” way more than any normal person should.
I suppose that when you go through a storm of shit, you realize just how little control you have over everything and eventually, you just let go. I feel like I am at the mercy of the universe. (Or God, if you prefer… I use those terms interchangeably these days.)
So here I float, because I do not know which way I am supposed to go yet. My life has more questions than answers.
This actually sounds scarier than it feels. I SHOULD be worried. Anxious. Stressed. And I certainly do have my moments of that, but most of the time, I feel at peace. Cause there really is nothing I can do about it right now. I just have to wait.
There is an underlying element of TRUST when you let go of that control.
I am trusting that my life is just going to go where it is supposed to go. That the next step will be revealed to me when it’s time to take it. That everything is going to somehow work out. *shrug*
But above all else, I am trusting MYSELF.
THAT, my friends, is a crazy fucking feeling. I have spent my whole life doubting myself and looking to others to tell me how I’m supposed to feel and think and act and look… The FREEDOM I feel right now is insane. Just being myself, and not really caring what anyone thinks about it? Oh man. I can’t even find the words yet.
I’m definitely still muddling through this self-love world though. It’s a constant battle. But it’s a battle I’m fully committed to winning, so I persist.
My mind still swings wildly at times, between the “I’m going to save the world” thoughts and the “I am worthless and small” thoughts. The truth is most likely found somewhere in the middle, but I HATE how these voices in my head try to temper my ambition.
On good days, I’m a bit of a maniac. My aspirations just run WILD.
“I should start writing a book! Plot out my exact path of coach training! Find mentors! I’m going to help so many people and be a great success story and redeem all of my life’s pain by turning it into my passion and purpose! Maybe I’ll do a TED talk someday or be interviewed by Oprah…”
There really are no limits in my brain when I’m in that space.
And I’m okay with it! I don’t NEED those things to happen to have a happy life, but it’s pretty dumb to tell myself that I CAN’T accomplish those things. So, I let the dreams fly.
But then there are the bad days. And the in-between days.
Those damn voices in my head.
They talk a lot of shit.
“Your dreams are ridiculous, Autumn, who do you think you are? No one, that’s who. There are plenty of other people doing that stuff already, they don’t need you. You don’t have a platform or any influence, you are a nobody. Don’t waste your time, go get a normal job and just settle for being a mom. And then go find a new husband who will take care of you, making all these dreams invalid anyways.”
OH HELL NO. That last one REALLY makes me rage.
I HATE these thoughts I have. I hate how they make me doubt myself. They make me paralyzed, unable to make decisions, unable to think clearly. I feel myself shrinking, hiding in the shadows of someone else’s life. Waiting for someone else to tell me who to be.
Those voices have way too much power.
I’m learning to listen to them. Not BELIEVE them… but listen. And then question them. Our inner voices came from somewhere… what lies do I hear over and over again? What are those negative thoughts, and where did that belief come from? Whose voice is in my head?
Most of those thoughts go all the way back to our childhoods. They’ve been there for so long we don’t even notice they’re there. Until we suddenly do. And then… holy shit. Life starts to make more sense.
Being aware of those voices and their origins is a huge step. But then the real work begins… the work of rewiring our brains to think differently. Digging up all those lies and replacing them with the truth.
It’s a long, uphill battle, this healing business. I am never going to “arrive” at being healed. It was incredibly freeing once I realized that. There is no rush, no timeline, no destination to get to.
Healing is a lifestyle choice. A way of life.
I will always be learning and growing, always facing my fears and traumas and triggers. All of it is a part of my story, a part of who I am. And to fully accept myself and LOVE myself, I acknowledge and embrace it all… The pain and the joy, the tears and the smiles, the darkness and the light.
If you want to REALLY understand yourself and get to the bottom of the pain in order to heal those deep wounds, you have to be willing to face the darkness. Enter into those spaces and take your light with you… shine it in every corner of your soul.
It’s scary, facing our demons. But we have to get to a point where leaving that demon lurking in the darkness is scarier than confronting and conquering it.
What do the voices in your head tell you? What beliefs and lies are hiding in there, waiting for a moment of weakness to tear you down and keep you living in fear?
Start listening to them… get comfortable with them. Because when you know they’re there, they’re easier to catch. And we all deserve so much more than what those lies have to offer us. We can’t let the voices win.