Don’t Worry, Be Happy

I wonder if I will ever reach an upper echelon of creativity where my brain thinks beyond song lyrics and movie quotes… One can hope.

I’m starting to realize that some of you are worried about me. And that is totally understandable… I’m walking a fine line of being vulnerable yet slightly vague. So for those of you who don’t know me very well or don’t know my whole story yet, you are left with questions, trying to fill in the blanks. That is a pretty normal human response; we are curious beings.

So I just want to say, for the record, I AM FINE. Really!

***

After a series of unfortunate events last year, I stepped back from life for a while. I cut ties with nearly everything and everyone and became a bit of a hermit for close to a year. If you were my friend on social media, believe me when I say that deleting you was not personal. I just needed some time.

The impact was severe. Critical. Like a meteor right to the heart… the topography of my entire life has been altered. I’ve been changed all the way down to my core and there’s no going back. (So dramatic.)

Eventually, the debris settles, the crisis is over, and the clean up & rebuilding can get underway. I’m ready now… I’m beginning to make my presence known again, and I guess I’m kind of doing it in a bigger-than-normal way.

***

It was a bit of a leap of faith when I decided to start this blog. I have zero writing experience. I am not a poet; I do not have profound, eloquent words to describe the human condition. I’m never going to be that kind of writer.

I HATED my creative writing class in college. The professor was an extremely free, feminist hippie-type who did not shave her legs and ALWAYS wore a flowy skirt. As an insecure 18-year-old girl clothed in GAP from head to toe, who very much cared about what people thought about her, I just could not deal. I dropped that class… writing a zine was not my cup of tea.

I’m a complete amateur. All I have are my words and my story, and this deep, uncomfortable feeling that I HAVE TO write. Even if it’s terrible, even if no one reads it… I have to do it.

***

I suddenly feel this need to live out loud. I still don’t entirely understand it myself… and maybe I never will. What I do know is that I am finding a very deep confidence in who I am, and want to live that openly, truthfully, with no apologies.

This is me, take it or leave it.

I’m sure this is going to be a bit confusing for many of the people who were in my life prior to my soul-apocalypse (hashtag soulpocalypse). If you knew me before, the truth is you probably only ever saw a portion of who I am. It’s not that you didn’t see the real me… you just never got the whole picture. I was always trying to fit in to whatever environment I was in at the time.

It was a self-protective mechanism. Like a chameleon.

I wasn’t confident enough in myself to just be ME. To be honest, I don’t think I even knew who “me” was until recently. That’s an odd and scary realization.

***

This blog is the beginning of me living out loud. I’m working on finding my voice in a world where I haven’t had one before.

My whole life has been marked by letting others speak for me.

I never realized just how much of a people-pleaser I am. I hate disappointing people, which means I have given up parts of myself in order to make others happy. I convinced myself it was good and self-sacrificial, but one day I looked around and realized I was gone.

And that’s just not okay with me anymore.

***

If you feel worried or concerned by anything I say here or on social media, please don’t! I’m not sure that I have ever felt more like myself than I do right now. I have a very deep peace about myself and about my life that seems to be manifesting itself through me being brutally honest with all of you fine people.

The truth shall set you free, right?

I feel free.

Free to be myself. Free to say what is inside without apology. Free to share my good times AND bad. Because this is just real life. I can’t do the chameleon thing anymore. And I’m sure that it might make some of you uncomfortable, because that’s what vulnerability does. It moves away from what is comfortable and into the space of what is authentic, no matter what that looks like.

“Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.” -Brene Brown

***

Don’t worry about me. Be happy for me.

No, I don’t have everything figured out, and my life is still very messy. But that’s okay. My life is never going to be perfect. AND THAT’S OKAY.

The important thing is that I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin, in my own head, and in my own life. I am learning how to be unapologetically ME, and I gotta say, I think I’m pretty awesome. I like me a lot.

I’m also totally fine if you don’t agree… I don’t need everyone to like me. I’m not even offended. I don’t like EVERYONE, why would I expect everyone to like me?? That’s just silly.

One truth I’m leaning into these days is this:

The people who are supposed to be in my life will be. The End.

Now off to go listen to some Lizzo…

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